I'm going to paraphrase Bruce Marchiano here:  
"I am in no way a pastor, teacher, scholar, or authority of any kind; and I've never been to seminary or Bible school."   As a woman, I've obviously never played Jesus in a movie (as Bruce has), and I've only known Jesus as my Savior for 14 years now, which makes me at most a "teenager" in Christ.   But I've had the remarkable experience of getting to know the Creator of the Universe personally—and if that's not a life-changing, eye-opening event, I don't know what is.  And the greatest thing is that I'm not special—it's what He offers to all of us.

So here's how I got to know God—or rather, how He came and got me.  (Yes, it's long—I'm working on making it manageable for a web page.)

Introduction

I know I'm about to label myself for the rest of my life here.  Different ones of you will choose different labels—not all of them flattering.  But this is something so important—so wonderful—that I can't be quiet about it; therefore, I don't care if I get labeled.  Why am I doing this?  For several reasons.  

• One:  People who've worked with me always said I gave credit where credit was due—and that's definitely what I'm doing here (although you may be surprised at Who's getting the credit).  
• Two:  I've always wanted to share good things when I find them, and this is the best good thing there is.  
• Three:  If you don't know this about me (what I'm going to tell you), you won't know me at all—because this, more than anything, defines who I am and who I'll always be.  

I can't make you believe or even accept it—but I can throw it out there for each of you to deal with in your own way.  Okay, here we go ...

When I tell this story, some of you will think I've gone a little bit crazy—well-intentioned, but still crazy.  A few years ago (in early 1998), I would have agreed with you.  But my life completely changed in 1998.  Why?  The simplest way I can put it is this:  I saw Jesus—finally, I actually saw Him.  No, I didn't get a vision in a tortilla, and I don't hear voices from burning bushes.  But what I discovered was an amazingly loving, strong, smiling, laughing Jesus that I'd never seen there before.  Okay—some of you are already rolling your eyes and saying, "Lauri thinks she's 'found God.'"  (Add some "Twilight Zone" music here.)  No, God came and found me.  It's as if He took my face in His hands (like my then two-year-old son did when he wanted my undivided attention) and said, "Look, Lauri, here I am.  It's time to really see Me now—to see Who I really am.  You're ready—and you're going to be wonderfully surprised!"

Some of you will say, "Well, that's a nice fantasy—she's talked herself into something that makes her happy."  Others will say, "To each his own—this must be the version of spirituality that fits her; everyone finds something entirely different."  (That's what I used to think, too.)  But a few of you will want to know more about this because some of it sounds like where you are now.  And I'd bet several of you will be able to say, "Yeah, Lauri, I've been there; it's changed my life, too.  And it's wonderful beyond words!"  And those will be the ones that understand I'm talking relationship here—not religion.

The problem

Although I was "saved" and baptized in a little country Baptist church (near Paris, Texas) when I was 12, had been in church off and on most of my life, and had read parts of the Bible, I never had any kind of relationship with God; I never thought I could have that.  Respect Him—yes, as much as I knew how.  Try to do what He says—well, mostly.  (But that's hard when you don't know why He's telling you to do this stuff or whether He really knows best—or for that matter, if He's really even there at all.)  But love Him or worship Him?  I didn't know how; that implies passion.  How can you have that feeling for Someone you don't know and Whom you've always thought of as "God the Policeman"—waiting to catch you doing something wrong and punishing you for it?  The Bible's book of Matthew describes where I was:  Jesus answered a religious leader's question about marriage after the resurrection with, "You are in error because you don't know the Scriptures or the power of God."  (Matthew 22:29--New Testament )  That was me—and is so many other people.  Oddly, these people had studied the scriptures and still didn't see it—again, much like me (although I hadn't studied the Bible like these religious folks had).

As for me, I only saw a Heavenly Father as "God the Policeman," Who could punish me—and be thoroughly disappointed in me—even for my bad thoughts.  And look at what I did to that poor Jesus—He had to hang on that cross because my badness put Him there.  That poor, sad, fragile, martyred Jesus!  How could I kill such a nice Guy?  (I should love Him out of guilt, right?  I'm sorry—I just couldn't love someone out of guilt.)  And what does that say about God—killing His own Son?  Why didn't God have the guts to do His own dirty work instead of forcing His Child to do it? What kind of Father is that?  No thank you—I wanted to stay pretty far away from that kind of Father.  

But still, part of me longed to know God anyway.  How I must have hurt God's feelings!  Accusing the One Who knows me the best and still loves me the most—of all this junk.  I'm so glad He believed in me—and never gave up. 

Well—what a huge turnaround for me to learn that all this was because of God and Jesus' overwhelming, unrelenting love for me ... that Jesus chose to come here and get us and did it with joy ... that God must have been in agony watching Jesus voluntarily die on the cross and having to sit on His hands and leave Jesus alone when He needed Him the most.  As a parent, I'd now say it might have been harder on God than on Jesus.  I needed to see that it was an amazing love story and not a guilt story.  (Having to hold my dying dog a year later as she was being put to sleep gave me a tiny hint of how awful it must have been for God to let Jesus suffer and die when He could have just said, "Stop."  Just as I had to give the orders to give my dog the shot, God had to give the orders to do that with Jesus on the cross.  Even though I knew I was doing the right thing, I almost came unglued—and that was only over a dog.)

Although I didn't know it then, God took the first step in getting through to me when He made me a parent.  I couldn't really understand God as a loving, eternally-patient Father until I learned myself what it meant to love a child as his parent.  It completely overwhelmed me when I felt it for my firstborn child in 1993.  "You mean God feels about me the way I feel about my son?  That could change how I understand everything God ever did or said." 

However, it still took a video called "Matthew" and the other things God showed me in 1998 to make me realize that this wonderful God and Jesus were real; that They weren't just a great story; and that They had already been touching my life.  It was a story that was just too good to be true, much as I wanted it to be.  God still had to make me understand that the kind, joyful Jesus I would see in "Matthew" was also the "spitting image" of God.  But even back then, He was busily getting it all ready for me. 

A cry for help

Some great things have happened in my life, and I've always been extremely thankful for them.   But there were also some terribly painful things that I only survived because the God that I didn't even believe in was right there taking care of me all the way.   But in March of 1998, at age 36, I knew something was terribly wrong—because even little, insignificant things were sending me into days of depression and a feeling of utter hopelessness.  This was very strange, since at this point I had gotten past the really bad times.  I had always thought I was "too strong" and "too logical" to become depressed—people even told me "how strong" or smart I was.  But now I saw my future as a series of losses—loss of my children  as they grew up (they were only  1 and 4 then), loss of my youth, regret over what I saw as a series of "lost opportunities" or "wrong turns" in life ... loss, loss, loss.  I was taking one step ahead and falling two steps back, and nothing I did could help it.  I had lost all joy, hope, and happiness; something inside me was dying, and there was nothing I could do about it.

About a year after that, God showed me what had been going on.  My then five-year-old son asked me why a flower he'd picked would die even though we put it in water.  I told him, "Because it's cut off from its source of life—from what gives it life."  And I immediately felt like Jesus was whispering in my ear, "Lauri, it's called The True Vine.  You know—Me.  Do you get it now, Lauri?"  (John 15:1-8, New Testament )  Just like a flower can be cut, put in water, look "happy," and survive for awhile, we can do that.  But as C.S. Lewis says, God is the fuel we were designed to run on.  Thirty-six years cut off from the True Vine—yeah, you finally just shrivel up and die.  And that's where I was—feeling my spirit just shriveling up.

And I also wanted to know the truth—reality—regardless of whether I liked it or not.   I didn't want to live in some wishful fantasy, whether it was wishing God did exist or wishing He didn't.  If the God of the Christian Bible was indeed God but I didn't like Him or what He wanted from me, I wanted to KNOW.   If God did exist but wasn't the God of Christianity (the religion I'd been raised in), I wanted to KNOW.   If God didn't exist at all and we were all just biological machines, which ended the moment we died, I wanted to KNOW.  I was never one who could live in my own fantasy world—I couldn't even do this as a child, even though I was good at imaginary play.  I remember thinking that kids who had "imaginary playmates" were absolutely goofy (I apologize to those of you who had these; my brain just didn't work that way).  As a teenager and adult, I thought things like reading horoscopes or having lucky charms were a ridiculous waste of time (I still do believe this, and I know God says they're dangerous, too).  I had also always preferred learning about science and history over reading fiction, much as I've loved certain stories, novels, and movies.

So at age 36, knowing something was terribly wrong but not knowing what, I had to know what was real to go on from here.  I knew if I found a "cure" to what was killing me and it wasn't reality (and wasn't solving the true root problem), I wouldn't survive long . . . even if it made me "happy" for awhile.   It was time to grit my teeth and search for truth, regardless of what I found.  And that meant I couldn't overlook the possibility that this God I'd heard about all my life was real.  ( I still feel this way—I often ask God to please set me straight if I've gotten something wrong about Him.  And when He does, I find that He's even better than I thought . . . even though what I learn is sometimes quite a surprise.)

So by the end of March 1998, I'd reached a point of desperation.  I remember yelling out loud at God, "My life is about to fall apart!  Nothing I've done works.  I've tried for five years to fix these things, but I'm out of ideas and apparently am an idiot—and I'm going down for the last time.  I'm too stupid or weak or both.  I can't do this any longer.  If You don't fix it, that's it for me.  If You're there at all, and if You're good at all, You have to help me.  If You're Who You say You are, I want Your help—not anyone else's.  So now's Your chance!"  

How long had God been longing to hear that totally sincere "prayer" from me?  Without knowing what I was doing, I did the one thing that would help—telling God that I desperately needed Him and was willingly giving control of my life to Him.  I wish I could have seen His and Jesus' faces when I said that; it's so incredible that the Bible says They throw a celebration in heaven every time someone does it.  And I'm so glad that God isn't "insecure" or has an "ego problem"—even though He was my "last resort," He still joyfully ran to get me.  I had put Him last . . . and He still put me first.

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us..."  
(1 John 4:10) 

"We love because He first loved us."  
(1 John 4:19)

Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die.  But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  (Romans 5:7-8) 

Somebody answers!  ("It's HIM!")

Since then, life has been amazing.  Nothing at all unusual (from my perspective) happened the day I "prayed" that desperate prayer to God.  However, everything changed about a week later when I stumbled across a new "Jesus movie" called "Matthew" on April 7, 1998—the week leading up to Easter.  God just blew me away when He did it ... He brought Jesus to me—right into my living room—through "Matthew."  I wasn't going to church, reading the Bible, or even getting out much with two little kids at home, so He had to come to me.  As I think back on it, when those doubts whisper in my ear sometimes, "Yeah, 'god' rescued you; but how do you know which 'god'?"  I smile as I remember exactly Who came running to me in my own living room only days after I asked "god" for help . . .

I've seen probably all the Jesus and Bible-story movies many times; for some reason, I've felt a pull to watch them since I was a little kid ... but "Matthew" was very different.  Ever since I was a teenager, I had hoped someone would make a Jesus movie that showed a smiling, laughing, loving Jesus with a twinkle in His eye.  (I'd always thought Robin Williams would've been good.)  The idea of a loving God just didn't make sense without that kind of Jesus, but that's almost never the Jesus we are shown or taught about.  I happened to leave the TV on the morning of April 7, which is odd since we watch very little TV.  But as I passed by the TV, I saw some guy named Bruce Marchiano talking about playing Jesus in a new Jesus movie, so I stopped to watch.  

The first "Matthew" scene I saw literally took my breath away—from the second I saw this Jesus.  I froze in my tracks, I gasped, my jaw dropped, and I started to cry.  There He was!!!  There was my Jesus—the one I'd always been hoping for!  It was as if I recognized Him.  I continued like this throughout the three or four clips they showed—crying and laughing and smiling and saying, "I can't believe it!  It's HIM!  It's really HIM!"  Anyone who saw me would have thought I'd gone absolutely nuts (and some of you are convinced by now).  As soon the interview with Bruce was over, I got on the phone to find this video.

I spent the next two nights, after everyone went to bed, watching "Matthew," which was made using only the words from the book of Matthew from the New International Version® (NIV) Bible—no more, no less, no dramatic license.  (In other words, this Jesus has been there in the Bible all the time.  How did we warp our view of Him so badly?)  And it wasn't boring—it was fascinating.  I saw a Jesus Who did nothing but love and enjoy and give to people—even when He was correcting them or they were rejecting Him.  He was glad to be here with us—it wasn't just some chore He had to do.  He touched; He hugged; He played and laughed; He lived life the way He wants us to—fully and with joy.  What a Guy!  Ah, now I understood—it was no wonder people followed Him everywhere.  And when He talked about the people who would never come to Him and who would finally have to be sent away at the Judgment, His voice and His heart broke.  None of that "THEN I'll give you the punishment you deserve!" stuff—but instead, I saw His heart breaking at losing any of His babies (even the religious leaders, who were constantly out to get Him and plotted to have Him killed; even Judas, His own disciple who betrayed Him).  

And this Jesus was no wimp—He was physically strong from years of heavy work as a carpenter.  He was right in there working with His disciples instead of letting them serve Him.  As Jesus told His disciples, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them.  Not so with you.  Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—just as the Son of Man (Jesus) did not come to be served but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many."  (Matthew 20:25-28)  He could indeed get angry when someone was hurting His kids or abusing His father.  (The Bible calls Jesus "the Lion of Judah" as well as "the Lamb of God.")  And He didn't hang His head like a whipped dog during His trials, either; this Jesus had guts.  Even through the extreme physical abuse of beatings and a Roman flogging...even though His heart must have been ripping as His own beloved children spit in His face and spewed, "Crucify Him!" ... I saw a head held up, determined to get to the cross and do what He came for—to finally get His kids back.  Such strength . . . such integrity . . .  such unrelenting, superhuman love!   By the time the beating and crucifixion scenes came along, I loved this Jesus so much that it tortured me to watch them.  And then—to see this smiling, loving, hugging, physically alive Jesus again, walking triumphantly away from that tomb, telling us He'd fixed everything and would be with us always ... and then a breathtaking closing scene in which He smiles that amazing smile at me to remind me that He'd be with me always (I'd never realized He was telling me that, too) ...  There are no words I can say other than it changed me and my world forever—and blew the door wide open for all the other things He's done for me since then.

A Light dawns ... and I can see

God spent the rest of 1998 just dumping the full load of Jesus right on top of me.  Every time I turned around, I completely stumbled over something else.  He showed me that Jesus came not just to save my soul but my life, too—that He wants me to fully enjoy my life now (John 10:10--New Testament).  And when times get tough, He'll get me through it.  You see, I'd thought life was just a difficult, alien, testing place to endure until we could go home to God (if He was real) when we died.  Then a month later, He had me stumble upon an amazing church—where people passionately loved God though some of them were in the middle of awful circumstances (including "big ones" like going to prison).  And they loved each other even when they failed.  A heroin addict could walk in—looking like a heroin addict—and be welcomed and loved.    (This really happened there, even though it was in the middle of a "nice" part of town.)   A church member was sent to prison—and his family was supported, not shunned.  I felt like I was actually worshipping God for the first time there . . . and I felt like I had come home.  

Next, I was suddenly being blown away by the profound, personal meaning of passages I'd read in the Bible a million times; it was as if I suddenly had eyes that could see what God was saying and a mind that could understand how it all fit together so beautifully ... and so logically.  (I used to agree with people who said the Bible "contradicts itself"—but that was before I dug into it myself, with the guidance of Jesus.  It's absolutely fascinating how precisely it all fits together and explains itself.  You'll find hints and prophecies of Jesus all over the Old Testament.)  And I kept stumbling over source after source of information that shot down all the doubts I'd ever had.  I'd never had such a good time falling.  God had shocked me with a glimpse of this Jesus three years earlier through Max Lucado (a gifted author, dad, and pastor of a San Antonio church).  However, God threw the doors wide open in 1998.  Everything I saw or heard, even in my daily life, gave me insight into Jesus, God, the Bible, and their effect in my life.

When I stumbled across C.S. Lewis (a former atheist) in his Mere Christianity, God answered my philosophical and scientific questions in precisely the order and style in which my analytic, science-loving mind works.  Then He hit me with the final blow—using Josh McDowell's More Than a Carpenter book (which had been sitting unread in my own bookshelf for three years) and The Case For Christ, by Lee Strobel.  In these two books, also written by former atheists who at one time set out to disprove Christianity, He showed me (with massive supporting sources) that the New Testament is by far the most accurate ancient historical document in existence and would hold up wonderfully as eyewitness testimony in any court.  He showed me how carefully the Old Testament has been copied and preserved by the Jewish people since its beginning.  (They've always counted each character to make sure they don't make any mistakes.)  And finally—this was the big one—McDowell's and Strobel's books made me realize that Jesus' disciples would not have gone on to do what they did—risking their lives to tell people about Jesus—if Jesus wasn't resurrected.  In other words, they wouldn't have been willing to die their awful deaths for something they knew was a lie—and if anyone was in the right place to know whether Jesus was really resurrected, they were.  When I read that, these conclusions blazed through my head (and chills ran down my back):

1. If the New Testament is accurate (copied and translated correctly) and its testimonies are true, then Jesus really was resurrected.

2. If Jesus really was resurrected, then He really was (and still is) Who He said He was—the Son of God!  (What an awesome statement that is.  And what an astounding dream come true for me and everyone else, since God is the author of the greatest love story ever told—His love for us.)

3. If Jesus really was Who He said He was, then the whole thing—God, the Bible's Old and New Testaments, and this Jesus Who loves me so much that He died to come get me back ... Who loves me like I love my own children ... Who sees the best in me even when I'm yelling at Him or not really believing in His existence—is real.  (And what an unpleasant jolt I got when I realized I'd never completely believed that God and Jesus were real; I did not really know that about myself.  Wanting to believe it and really believing it are two wonderfully different things.)

4. ...Then all types of fear were replaced with joy and excitement about my future, because I now know that God has a great plan for my life, which He sees as important.  I get to spend the rest of my life serving (and being served by, as Jesus said) the Person Who loves me the most, even though He knows me the best.  And when I die, that's just the icing on the cake—it means I finally get to give my laughing, loving Jesus an eternal hug.
   

Real life begins

Once I saw Jesus, I could get to know Him.  And when I got to know Him—I could truly fall in love with Him.  He's the easiest Person in the world to love.  And now that I love Him and finally understand how He feels about me, trusting is easy—so doing what He says is something I want to do.  He never gives bad advice.  (Now, I didn't say I could do everything He wants me too, yet; He's still got a lot of work to do on me.  But from now on, He's got an enthusiastically willing student.)  

Now I know why I'd never had a relationship with God; it's so obvious that I don't know how I could have missed it for 36 years—You can't have a relationship with someone unless you KNOW him.  (I used to think that was the craziest thing—to say you'd "fallen in love" with Jesus.  Of course, I also thought it was weird when a friend said she'd fallen in love with her child—before I had my first child and fell head over heels in love with him.)

And then Jesus began showing me God the Father Himself.  In the Bible's book of John (and many other places) Jesus says, in effect, "If you know me, you know My Dad; I'm just like My Daddy."  (John 8:19).  So I look at God, smiling in wonder like a kid being given an unbelievably big present, and say, "Really?  The twinkle in the eye and everything?"  And He says, "Yeah, Lauri, really.  So what do you think about that?"  I'm just beginning to comprehend that one; it's such an awesome thought.  God is a policeman no longer!  Yeeeeehaaaaa!!!  Now, I feel like I'm His precious little girl that He's proud of and is dancing around for when I understand Him better.  You mean this Jesus is the first Person I get to hug when I get to heaven?  You're saying that God and Jesus are my tenderhearted Daddy and my Best Friend (and my Big Brother), Who want to tell me that my wildest dreams aren't big enough for what They want to do with me?  Never, ever did I think that I—stupid little stubborn selfish me—could have THAT.  That may be the biggest thing I've learned—that God is completely, always GOOD.

Now, I must tell you that I'm skeptical, I need evidence, and I can be slow to accept something new.  I'm wary and careful.  I would have been Thomas, the disciple who had to touch the holes in the resurrected Jesus' hands and side to believe He had really come back.  Thomas wasn't faithless; in fact, the other stories in the Bible about him show him to be very loyal and courageous.  Instead, I think he knew he couldn't risk being wrong about something so critically important.  But once he saw Jesus, he completely, passionately believed—and was the first to call Him "My LORD and my God!"  And the amazing thing is that Jesus can (and will) show Himself just as personally and convincingly to all of us even now.  I never would've believed it if it hadn't happened to me.  Just as with Thomas, Jesus "showed" Himself to me—in exactly the ways I needed so that I could believe Him.  Of course He knew how—He knows every thought I've ever had.

How did I get to this point?  Or, the way I've been putting it, "Who am I to deserve such special treatment?"  I still have absolutely no clue.  It's not me doing it—it's all Him.  But I do know one thing—that He wants to do this for absolutely everyone.  Before I got to know God, I questioned Him, complained, totally rebelled at times, told people how mean God seemed to be, ignored Him, and questioned His existence.  But He still loves me enough to do what He's done for me throughout my life (and 2,000 years ago on the cross)—I just cannot explain the enormity of the gift He's given me.  I guess the answer is just that He loves me, and He's really stubborn about it.  If I did anything at all, it was to usually keep my mind open to the possibility that Jesus might really be Who He said He was; to keep on looking for Him (although I took a lot of breaks); and to finally say in March 1998, "I desperately need some help here, and I need it from You!"  Really impressive, huh?  Really "respectful," too.  I could feel awfully stupid and guilty about all that, but I'm too busy being thankful.  I've got as much excitement, adventure, and usefulness ahead of me as I did when I was 18.  He's showing me how to enjoy this life He gave me—during the ups and the downs.

Changes

God and rescued me so thoroughly and so personally—and with so many beautiful, tender, even funny touches that He designed specifically for me.  And the most amazing thing of all is that He did it without changing any of my circumstances.  He changed me because He gave Himself to me.  

Let me tell you just a few areas in which I've changed:

• I constantly feel like life has just begun for me. Jesus wasn't kidding or just using "pretty words" when he said we needed to be "born again."  (John 3:3-8).
  
  

• I've watched fear vanish.  Fear and worry had been big problems for me since I was tiny. 
  
  

• I don't beat myself up very long over the times I fail anymore.  And I was always so much harder on myself than anyone else was, even when I was a preschooler.  (I still vividly remember the recurring "guilt dream" I started having before I even started first grade--I was stumbling and collapsing under the weight of some ridiculously heavy load on my back . . . in what was the grocery store in "old" Plano next to the First Christian Church.)
  
  

• The joy in knowing that I forever belong to God—and that He is always with me and sees the best in me—is unstoppable.  It bubbles up out of nowhere sometimes.  No matter what happens to me, no matter what good things I ever lose, I always have this wonderful God and His wonderful Son, Jesus.  And that's the only thing I have to have. 
  
  

• God prevented a mid-life crisis.  There was no more worrying about wrinkles starting to appear or those post-baby changes in my figure (as all moms know, even if you lose the pregnancy weight, your body never looks quite the same.)  And I decided I was not going to work out to "tone those muscles" and try to look like I was still in my 20s before my 20th high school reunion in 1999—I'm comfortable with who I am now, because I'm becoming who God designed me to be.  How could I be ever be insecure again knowing that He's molding all of me?
  
  

• The introvert becomes an extravert—and loves it!   I was always the shy one who never wanted to go where I was a "stranger."  Now, I like going to places where I don't know anyone—it's great fun to get to know people.  God has given me boldness (along with that lack of fear)—something that I never had before.  And I'll bet it has something to do with the fact that I now see all of us—including me—as infinitely precious to God.
  
  

• He's made me love the Bible (I understand so much now!)—it's profound, practical, funny, has great stories—and God's love and patience just leap off the pages now.  It's the Book I can't put down.  Phrases from the Bible (and even from old hymns) like "I was blind but now I see," "setting prisoners free," "I once was lost, but now am found," are personal for me now.  And I usually can't hear one phrase that Jesus said, or one story about Him, without getting teary-eyed—in thankfulness and in awe.
  
  

• I worship now—and I had never understood it at all before.  And for some strange reason, I used to yawn during literally every hymn in church—but not since the day I walked into Christ Our King Community Church in May 1998.  Of course, I also think the music there (contemporary praise and worship) fit the way I always needed to worship, too; I never thought that sitting and passively singing somber hymns bore any resemblance to worship....although many of those old hymns suddenly make sense to me and now move me as well.  (The music style is my personal preference—not some big fact for all people.)
  
  

• I look forward to my entire future as a great adventure with God—because I know God has a wonderful plan for me that I'll love more than anything else, because He made it to fit me—and me for it. And death no longer something to fear but becomes a promotion, as the apostle Paul says—when I finally get to give my laughing, loving, joyful, real Jesus a giant hug and thank Him in person.  The future is always bright, because He's going to be right in the middle of it from now on. 
  
  

• January 2002—There's so much more I could add even to this list now . . . I'll update this when I can find some time.  However, one of the biggest additions to the "adventure" God's taking me on is becoming involved in prison ministry since early 2000.  I would have never thought I'd be "brave" enough to do that, or outgoing enough to talk with total strangers about God . . . but I don't think I've ever felt more "at home" than I do in the maximum-security women's prison in Gatesville, Texas . . . or had more fun than I do with my fellow prison ministry volunteers—a group from a huge range of denominations, races, ages (from 18 to 88 on our 2001 trip) and backgrounds.   I can hardly stand to be away from that place.  And I've learned that we ALL could be those prisoners . . .

Does all this mean there are certain types of people I'll not associate with now—or that I'll condemn?  No way—I never was like that.  I've always thought some churches have a tendency to push away the very people Jesus would have welcomed.  The religious leaders of Jesus' day criticized Him for having friends and followers who were from absolutely all backgrounds—including "tax collectors and sinners."  I bet I know what He'd do today—He'd be right in there with every type of person, in every type of place... laughing, loving, welcoming, and hugging.  I can hear Him say, "Got problems?  Everyone does.  And I know about them already.  Don't worry—we'll work on them.  For now, just come to Me—and I'll show you what life and love really are!  My Father wants to adopt you as His own child—forever."  As I heard Bruce Marchiano say, Jesus made the "come to me" offer to absolutely everyone—2,000 years ago and today—but not everyone took him up on it.  Think about this (something my pastor in 1998 said)—the only Person Who has any right to condemn any of us is the very One Who won't do it; He's the One Who loved us so much He died to keep us from being condemned.  Jesus said, "For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him."  (John 3:17)  Also, none of this means I've become some humorless, religious "holy roller" who doesn't like anything that's not church-related—I'll always love science, all kinds of music, dancing, good movies, dogs, "Star Wars," "The Lord of the Rings," goofy stories, being silly with my kids (and without them), and plenty of people who don't feel the way I do about this.  (And you'll notice that "humorless holy roller" doesn't fit any follower of Jesus, if you take a good look.)

For me, it's amazing that this isn't just some great classic novel or movie that tells a fantastic, beautiful story—this is the real thing that we're a part of.  It would be like being a "Star Trek" fan, dreaming about being on the Enterprise and participating in great adventures with a great captain, and suddenly finding out it's real—and you really are going to be part of the Enterprise crew.  But this story—God's story—is the best story of them all.  It feels like I've been working on a jigsaw puzzle and have finally gotten the frame together—and once that happened, all the other mixed-up, unique-looking pieces all started to fall into place.  Each new piece that falls into place leaves hooks that grab several more pieces—some that looked like they wouldn't fit anywhere or weren't even a part of this puzzle at all.

Your search

The first thing I'd tell anyone is this:  Take any and every chance you get to know God; and the best way to do that, according to Him, is to know His Son, Jesus.  He's given you His story—a fantastic love story—in the form of the Bible.  Don't rely on anyone else's experience (including mine)—but search Him out yourself.  Dig for truth—because that's what you'll find when you find Him.  If you don't know where to start, try the Bible's books of John and Matthew (two of the four gospels—the books about Jesus' life).  Matthew and the other gospels tell you what happened in Jesus' life, and John spends his time explaining why it all happened—in other words, proof that Jesus was God's Son and what He came here to do.  And look at some of the best books, etc. that I've told you about here.  (See the Resources  and the A REAL God sections of this web site, too—there's lots more there.)

And certainly, take any chance you get to see "Matthew"—no matter what you think about God, it could change your life.  You'll either get to know Jesus for the first time, or you'll fall in love with Him even more.  At the very least, it will make you rethink what you've heard about Him; there are an awful lot of misconceptions out there, even in church (sometimes, especially in church).  People need to see Who this amazing Man is before they can get the full impact of the cross.  "Matthew's" director strongly believed that God wanted him to make a movie showing a joyful Jesus—a Jesus Who was here on "a mission of redemptive love" to give His children the way to get back to Him.  Jesus was not doing some chore to save us nasty little trouble-making humans; it was a labor of passionate love that He put His whole heart into because He couldn't bear to lose us—any of us.  The movie changed Bruce Marchiano's life, too; he learned so much about "the heart of Jesus," as he says, that his life is now devoted to showing people what he learned about how very much Jesus loves us and wants a relationship with us.  (If you can't find "Matthew," read Bruce's book—In the Footsteps of Jesus—about his experience making the movie.  You'll get a good picture of Jesus there, too—including some amazing photos of Bruce's smiling, loving, joyful Jesus.  I read it the same week that I first saw "Matthew" in April 1998, and I know it had a huge effect on my ability to finally see and love Jesus, too.  I've put an excerpt section of "Footsteps" on this web site so you can get a taste of it now.)

And if you ever get the chance, go see Bruce speak; a lot of Jesus has rubbed off on him—a warm, laughing, loving, patient, joyful man with a twinkle in his green eyes.  I'll start wrapping this up with a few things Bruce said when I heard him in November 1998; he says it much better than I do:

Bruce said that while preparing for the movie, when he sat back away from all his books and notes and just asked Jesus, "How in the world am I going to play You accurately?"  he got this answer:  "All you have to do to play Me accurately is to love whoever you're dealing with as if they're you're very own babies."  (Lauri's comment:  Wow!  Does that sum Jesus up, or what? And that just whacks me in the side of the head—aren't all Christians supposed to be "playing Jesus"?)

And, by the way—Someone Who loves us like that isn't just going to say, "Oh, well—too bad!" about people who never had a real chance to learn about Him—you can bet this Man will go out and find all His kids one way or another and give them that chance somehow.

No matter what I tell you about all this, I know that you have to go through it yourself.  Much as I wanted to, I couldn't really believe it until I really saw Him; and He had to show himself to me.  Max Lucado describes it perfectly:  

"One warning.  Something happens to a person when he witnesses His Majesty.  He becomes addicted.  One glimpse of the King and you are consumed by a desire to see more of Him and say more about Him.  Pew warming is no longer an option.  Junk religion will no longer suffice.  Sensation seeking is needless.  Once you have seen His face, you will forever long to see it again."  Lucado said his desire is "that the Christ will emerge from a wavy figure walking out of a desert mirage to become the touchable face of a best friend." 
(Taken from God Came Near, pages 16-17. © Copyright 1987 by Max Lucado. Published by Multnomah Publishers, Inc., Sisters, Ore. Used by permission.)

That's exactly what happened to me.

What I've learned

I know there are a lot of people out there that need to get the very thing I was missing.  I can say, "Yes, I do understand your doubts because they were mine most of my life.  And I bet I had some doubts and arguments you don't even have.  God doesn't think you're stupid or bad for questioning—if anyone supports your search for the truth, He does.  

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, Who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.  —the apostle James, who was also Jesus' brother (James 1:5)

In fact, Jesus said that He, Himself, is the Truth—so if you keep looking for truth, guess Who you'll find?  But just look at what I discovered when I really saw Him.  Look at what God has done for me, the formerly-faithless Lauri, who doubted Him and argued with Him all those years."  

If God wants me to tell part of His story, I think it's would probably be the part that I was missing my whole life.  If I boiled it all down to what I can't seem to shut up about—the biggest things I've learned—it would be these two: 

• Jesus and God are REAL—as real as anyone you know.
  
  

• Jesus and God are GOOD—always, completely good.  Nothing bad has ever come from Them.  In fact, They can take the messes that come from our own mistakes or from the devil and use them for good.  (Don't you know Satan absolutely hates it when God turns one of his nasty tricks back on him?) 

It will blow my mind for the rest of my life to know that this Jesus I finally saw in "Matthew" is what God is like.  The Creator of the Universe is not only all-powerful, righteous, and holy, but is also tenderhearted, fun-loving, refuses to quit loving us ... and wants to literally adopt me, be my Daddy, and give me everything He has.  That's what brings the tears of gratitude and puts me on my face in awe.  And I know I can always trust Someone like that.  Love and trust makes faith and obedience so much easier. It becomes something you want to do, and you keep trying even when you fail.

If something in the Bible or in our life makes God sound "mean," it is us misinterpreting or misunderstanding Him.  It's like a child who thinks his parents are being mean—until he becomes a parent himself and sees that it wasn't meanness but overwhelming love behind actions of protection and instruction.  And I'll tell you what—as a mom, I can surely understand how God could "smite" people and even whole cities when someone messed with His kids.  

But aren't all of us His kids—even members of nations and cities God destroyed?  God wants to adopt all of us—He doesn't want any of us to perish (John 3:16).  Think of this—if a parent had 10 kids, and some of them were leading the rest off into danger, wouldn't that parent try to stop the ones leading the others away?  Wouldn't he patiently try to do it without hurting anyone?  Wouldn't he give everything he had to save them all?  But wouldn't he eventually, if nothing worked, have to get rid of the leaders if they were going to lead all the kids into death?  And wouldn't it absolutely rip his heart to shreds to have to hurt some of his kids—any of them—to save them all?  Look at just two examples of God's own words about this (remember—when God speaks to Israel, He speaks to all of us):  

"As surely as I live," declares the Sovereign LORD, "I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live.  Turn!  Turn from your evil ways!  Why will you die, O house of Israel?"  —God, talking to the prophet Ezekiel  (Ezekiel 33:11)

"O Israel, I will not forget you.  I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist.  Return to Me, for I have redeemed you."  —God, talking to the prophet Isaiah  (Isaiah 44:21-22)

I'm so glad I'm not God—I would never be able to get through all that pain.

"I'm everything I am because You loved me"

On November 15, 1998, God unveiled something He must have been putting together for years for me.  It was so completely a God thing—He gets all the credit.  I'm still amazed at the intricate details He set up for that one day—using people, events, music, the weather, and perfect timing to do what He did to me.  I visited the First Baptist Church in little Burleson, Texas, to hear Bruce Marchiano speak about the incredible love and joy of Jesus that he finally saw while playing Jesus in "Matthew."  (I didn't know Bruce would be there until the last minute—yet again, I "stumbled" into something very important.)  It changed his life, too. And just before Bruce spoke, the church showed a music video of the most joyful, compassionate scenes of "Matthew's" Jesus, ending with a few crucifixion and resurrection scenes.  And they set it to the song, "Because You Loved Me," by Celine Dion.

Now, here's the weird part.  The first time I heard this song almost three years earlier in my car, I thought it was a thank-you song to Jesus.  Now, remember that was two years before I saw "Matthew" or thought that any of this "God stuff" was real.  ("Hmm ... I must've gotten a Christian radio station by mistake," I remember thinking, but I hadn't—I was on some regular station that I usually listened to.)  That song just reached out and grabbed my attention back then, but I could never figure out why.   Even stranger is that I've always been such an instrumental-music person that I rarely notice song lyrics at all--I'm too busy listening to the music part of a song.  (I was a big-time "band kid" from junior high through my first year of college and played multiple instruments.)  Once in awhile lyrics would get through to me, but not often.

Well, I knew God was up to something as soon as I heard the first note of that song in Burleson.  I remember quietly saying out loud, in the pew, "God, what are You doing to me?"  (I hope no one heard that weird little outburst.)  As I listened to that song in Burleson while watching scenes of this joyful, compassionate Jesus, I suddenly saw how He'd always been right there with me, saving me in every way a person could be saved—all through my life, even before I acknowledged Him.  This music video the Burleson church made felt like it ripped a shell off me—almost physically—so that, for the very first time, I could see what Jesus had done for me during my life—not just on the cross.  It was as if a video of my life was superimposed on the church's video (believe me, nothing like that had ever happened to me before).  Now that I knew Him, I could recognize His fingerprints all over my life, starting with childhood.  I've been stunningly blind and ungrateful, but no more.

The words of that song perfectly describe His love in my life; I can tell a story for each line. And when I watched the scene of Jesus dying on the cross as I heard the part of the song that says, "You lifted me up when I couldn't reach," I just broke down in utter, down-on-your-knees, face-on-the-floor thankfulness.  I was there for all the church services in Burleson, and they showed this music video in all the morning services.  By the evening service, when they gave an altar call (invitation), I could not stop myself from going up, getting on my knees, and just telling God, "In case you didn't know it, God, You've got me."  I remember my exact words.  I was one of only two people that went up there, and I've never gotten on my knees (with face on the floor) in front of anybody.  But I had something important to do.  It was time to "officially" tell God that although He already had my soul, that I was giving Him my life for whatever He wanted—and to give Him a big thank-you for all He'd done for me that day.  I didn't talk to anyone up there; no one prayed with me; no one talked to me afterward about it; no one really knew why I was up there at all—it was all just between me and God. 

I know now why this song seemed like a thank-you to Jesus the first time I heard it.  It's because it would become my own, specific thank-you to Jesus almost three years later—and for the rest of my life.  So here it is—Jesus, thank You with all my heart that You saw, and always see, "the best there is in me.  I'm everything I am because You loved me."

Just look at some of the lines from this song; I wish I could quote them all here since every word applies to what Jesus did for me.   (You'll notice I changed the "you's" to "You's.")

... You were always there for me—
The tender wind that carried me.  
A light in the dark, shining Your love into my life.
You've been my inspiration; 
Through the lies, You were the truth.  
My world is a better place because of You. 

You were my strength when I was weak,
You were my voice when I couldn't speak,
You were my eyes when I couldn't see.
You saw the best there was in me.  
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach.  
You gave me faith 'cause You believed.  
I'm everything I am because You loved me.  

(Excerpted from "Because You Loved Me. " Published by Realsongs; Copyright ©1996 Sony Music Entertainment [Canada] Inc.; Words and music by Diane Warren; Performed by Celine Dion)

I'll never be able to repay Jesus for what He's done for me—He's given me my life back, both here on earth and forever with Him.  But I can spend my life giving Him a thank-you present in the form of my love, my thanks, and my life to use however He wants.  And no one will be able to stop me from showing people my amazing, wonderful Jesus—the easiest Person in the world to love if you ever get to know Him.  If you get even one good look at this Man, this Jesus, you'll never be the same.

So with all the labels you've put on me as you've read all this, here's the label I put on myself:

Did anyone ever think they'd hear all this out of me?  No—and me, neither—not in my wildest imagination.  But somehow, I know this is more the "real me" than anything else ever was.  Not only did I finally see Jesus—He made me finally see me.

One more thing—and this one's a whopper.  I didn't realize this myself until about a year after Jesus came and got me—Jesus changed my life without touching my circumstances.  Instead, He changed me.  (Jesus, I'll always give You the credit—I'm everything I am because You loved me.  Thank You so much for seeing the best in me!)